Deep Kimchi and Hope for Husbands (and wives)
My former “boss” liked to use the phrase “deep kimchi” when we were getting into something potentially over our heads or that was otherwise foreboding. Born and bred in Hawaii, he was, I always thought, using Hawaiian slang for “Uh-oh!” His phrase did sort of mean that, but it turned out not to be Hawaiian. He didn’t shun its use in polite company, so I boldly use it here, confident (with fingers crossed) it’s not gutter language. But, whatever, it expresses exactly what I feel as I venture ahead with this page, because I feel I’m stepping into deep kimchi. To be blunt up front here’s my thesis: Women and men are different, very different — anatomically, emotionally, and mentally.
With that, some of you just checked out. That’s okay. It’s expected. For those who agree or who are at least curious please hang in because I think there’s some important information here — info you’ll never see or hear coming out of any current newsroom — that needs the light of day as we all struggle to handle this pandemic. It does not have to do with the disease itself or the cure but with the prevention — the lock-down, stay-at- home, suspend-your-job prevention. There are a lot of factors that influence what I’m about to say, but my basic premise is, I think, rock solid. It’s a conclusion reached early on in my counseling with hundreds of marriages through over 50 years of ministry. I’ll put it in bold print: Women get their identity through human association (relationships). Men get their identity through their jobs (stay-at-home dads included). This obviously has huge implications in this dilemma imposed upon us by COVID-19. It’s the men I’m most concerned about but first I feel I need to address women about what I’m not saying.
I am not saying men and woman are unequal. I am not saying that women do not belong in the work-world. I am not saying that women compared to men are less effective, less efficient, less dedicated, less proficient (skilled, adaptive, gifted, competent, etc.). I am not saying that women are less than men in any way. I am saying that the two are very different in the characteristics that define them and especially in the basic ways a man and woman think about themselves. I’m speaking here of their identity — who they are, and how they feel they are perceived. Mimi and I use 62 pages in our book to develop the concept I’m proposing here. This one page is inadequate at best, but I still hope to give some hope — hope to men who feel emasculated in this COVID-19 environment, and hope to wives who may feel drained in failed attempts to cheer up their husbands.
What happens to a wife if she for some reason, not of her doing, is kept from her paying job or loses it? She may become angry. She may feel put upon and become contemptuous. Her bones may burn within her to fix what needs fixing to bring her job back or to get another. She will fear for those in her home counting on her earnings. But she will not lose her identity. However, if because of — supply here your own imagined reasons — she discovers her marriage is over or imperiled, she can overnight become a basket case. I have seen it many times: A competent, confident, sharp, highly successful, business woman become reduced to almost (at least temporarily) needing the help of a caregiver — emotionally, mentally, and physically. She loses her identity. It’s a fearful sight.
Replace woman in the sentence above with man and it describes a man when he loses his job even if it’s not his fault — even if his company is expanding and his job is not needed temporarily, and even if he’s on lock-down like during the COVID-19 pandemic. A man can put on a macho act, so we seldom see what’s inside become outward. But the cloud that descends upon him belies his every effort to hide his sense of worthlessness and loss of dignity even if he knows what’s happening. He loses his identity. I’ve seen many, many men within just weeks after retiring go back to some job even if it’s invented. You are looking at my invention right now — our website. After five years of post-retirement work on our book, it’s now finished. Keeping this website current keeps that dark cloud at bay.
Bottom line: Husbands, take heart; your going crazy is normal. Wives, take heart; when that call comes — and it will, that call that says “You start work tomorrow” — it will transform him in seconds. Oh, yes! What happens when a man loses his marriage? Pain. Deep, deep pain. He will more than likely seek to mitigate that pain by — you guessed it — diving into his work; deeper, longer, harder.