Church: On When It’s Appropriate to Get Up and Leave
If you often speak from a podium you’ll know a well-kept secret. At least it’s true with me. While focusing on speaking plus looking at my notes, I can at the same time see the guy on the back row look at his watch; the woman in the front nudge her husband; or the man in the balcony dozing off. But what really gets to me is the one in midway center isle who gets up and walks out — in the middle of my sermon! Without skipping a beat, I — still speaking — think to myself, I wonder where that guy’s going — to the rest room? Or, did my last point turn him off? But he doesn’t look upset. Mmm... maybe he’s on the Parking Committee and there’s a problem. (This all goes through my mind in a split second.)
But there really is a proper time for one to get up during a worship service and leave. And even though the proper reason is one given by the central figure of the Bible it would never have been my guess.
Jesus says, this is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. if you enter a place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God (Matthew 5:23,24 — The Message Translation).
Whatever is going on here must be extremely important. It is. What’s going on here is a person, who has just realized they have wronged a friend, being prompted to get up, leave where they are and right the wrong — ASAP. This person is to understand that though God will forgive, this friend has not forgiven, and the only sure way that will happen is to confront the friend and ask to be forgiven. Only then is the conscience cleared. Only then does the guilt vanish. Only then is God’s forgiveness activated. But know this: The relief that comes with a clear conscience is unmatched. And more! There is an honest-to-goodness love which springs from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a genuine faith (I Tim. 1:5).
This matter is the other side of that already difficult forgiveness equation. A side not often discussed — probably not focused on much because it’s the most thorny side. When we’re the one who has been wronged — the one with the grudge — we are to be the one who forgives. Even though that can be extremely difficult, forgiving does not involve confronting the one who has wronged us. In fact, it’s practically a no-no to confront one who has wronged us. But it’s compulsory to confront the person we have wronged — the one who rightfully has a grudge against us, the one whose forgiveness we seek.
So, the minute it all hits you, do it as fast as possible. Waste no time. Get up. Go home. Get the antique plate. Take it to your friend and say, “Sarah, at that silent auction last fall I knew you wanted that beautiful ceramic but I wanted it too. I purposely distracted you to get my name last on the list. I was so wrong to do that. Please forgive me. Here’s the plate. If you will take it, it will mean a lot to me.”
Rules of engagement
DON’TS:
Don’t mitigate your guilt with “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Those are for mild faux pas.
Don’t justify your action with something like, “But I was tired — or sleepy — or etc.”
Don’t say, “If I’ve done anything wrong please forgive me.”
Don’t text or email. (In person is best; by phone is good; snail mail is okay.)
Don’t get off cue. (Stick to your mission. Too many words will blunt your purpose.)
DOS:
Do name the specific wrong you did.
Do say, “I was wrong, will you forgive me?”
Do make appropriate restitution.
In our book, I tell the story of my guilt toward my dad that suddenly dawned upon me. I wrote a letter — the most difficult letter I’ve ever written. Through it my dad and I became good friends. Upon his death that letter was found in his lock box next to his solid gold watch. Also in our book Mimi tells the story of our time at a Chicago conference for equipping pastors. After a heavy segment on this subject, Mimi disappeared during the break that followed. Late returning, she showed up with a Cheshire-cat smile and a story to tell. She had accosted a conference attendee — a young African-American man whom we had gotten to know well — and asked him to represent for a moment the whole black race. He complied. She then — with heartfelt sincerity and with not a little trepidation — asked him to forgive her for the many instances she had put down a black person or showed disrespect, even though her actions took place long before. He did with great enthusiasm!